Behind The Mirror

From the sublime to the ridiculous….

We arrived home and I took T into the hidden room. There was another need boiling up in me now, one even stronger than the need to indulge myself in her and forget everything else. Someone has to know in case something ever happens to me. This means no going back. Such secrets bind us even more deeply that the blood and she had to know before things will ever be settled with us. I knew going in this would be hard for her and I was right but it was necessary. I laid myself bare for her tonight, no more secrets, no more hiding, only truth – so very painful yes, but not nearly as much as imagining and uncertainty. I wish I could have spared you this T, but it was necessary to lay the past to rest. There are secrets that could mean our lives and the lives of those around us. It’s a heavy burden, one I would not impose on you unless I thought it necessary, and it is.

I sat her down and began the tale, the tale that she both needed to hear and dreaded at the same time….the details of the truce with Mad Jake, the story of Lavi and the bond. This time I held nothing back, I gave it all. The night of our first taste, the second, then the night of the horrible storm and the final step. I spoke of the memories it brought up, memories of Macayla, Lavi and I at Liza’s in ‘98…of Paolo’s appearance…how he was wrong somehow…then the horrible scene in the alley that ended with Macayla lying shredded and dead at Paolo’s hands…Lavi’s tears….and my own.

Something in my words set off her own dark memories of that time and they seemed to take her over. She panicked, scrambling backwards as if something were after her and had hold of her. She gave a shriek of terror and anguish that seemed to last forever, a sound I was sure would tear me apart. I tried to calm her and I do not think she could even see me. GET AWAY FROM ME! It was a scream that ripped through me as she tried wildly to get away, get out of my grip, and slammed herself into the wall. Her hands were up as if warding off something I could not see and she crumbled, sobbing frantically as the past sucked her down. I ordered her to look at me and much as I was loathe to do so, I entered her mind, forced her to calm down. It was a terrible thing to watch but I know the depths of hell that pulled at her for I had been there myself once.

The story continued and surprisingly T admitted that she had immediately sensed when Lavi and I were bound. We had tried hard to keep the signs private, not to let on in public or act as if anything had changed but T knew. Little things gave me away I am sure…my eyes have always betrayed my emotions to those who know me well and T reads me like a book. She said that when she realized it her first thought was to leave, perhaps go back to Europe, but she could not, that never seeing me again was worse than staying here and living with the knowledge that she and I would never be. Damn it, T! All that wasted time…why did you never tell me? Why was I too blind to see it? If only I had known…before….if only…

If only she had never given herself to Terrence. When that happened, I was sure that was a sign that she did not see me as I wished she did, that what I had wanted so long was an impossible dream. She told me tonight that she gave in to him only because she knew she had lost me to Lavi, because I never did anything but smile and flirt and gave her no hope of anything more while he was charming, dashing…made her feel as if she were the most important person in the world. He gave her what I failed to give, it was that simple. She told me how it happened, how she hesitated at first, how it felt good having his presence within her. The words sliced my soul like a knife and I cursed myself inwardly. How foolish we both were!

I could sit no longer and began to pace the room, trying desperately to convince myself that since he was dead and gone, the past did not matter. I knew then, with frightening clarity, exactly what T has been going through with Lavi. The bond with Lavi was a mistake. The reasons were good at the time but it has caused far too much pain for all of us. It is time to forgive, accept the past and the choices we made, move on and make things right…now.

I looked over at T and damned if that bit of lace was not peeking out at me again, stopping me short in my path across the carpet. I heard myself order her to lose the garters and it was almost more than I could bear, watching as the stockings slid so very slowly down those perfect legs of hers. A last thought passed through my mind before the beast took over – despite everything Lavi was, there was always you, T. Terrence did not deserve you. Lord knows I probably do not but even so, I will have you. Forever.

I never knew that something so innocent as a bit of lace could be so completely and utterly wicked. I should have known I was in for it the minute I walked in the door at the Marble Palace and saw her.

She’d gone home to change after we met with Dox and boy…she had dressed for the occasion in a dark blue velvet version of the “little black dress” – backless – her hair done in a gorgeous up-do that involved cascading ringlets over one shoulder. Crystal earrings dangled from her ears, and a crystal necklace had a long, sparkling trailer that fell down her back along her spine. She wore stockings and a midnight blue garter belt, the straps of which occasionally peeked out when she was seated. A pair of black T-strap heels completed the outfit. For a second there I think I was a little dizzy and judging by the looks of the men close by, they felt the same. The looks turned to envy as T moved to my side, offering her lips for a kiss. Did I say I thought I was dizzy? After that kiss I know I was.

And T was merciless tonight. We made it to our table and as she sat down, the aforementioned bit of lace peeked out from the hem of her dress along with the end of a garter. Oh dear Lord, the evening was almost over before it began. I noticed the man at the next table was all eyes too. I could not help myself…I reached down, touched that lace, one stealthy brush of the fingertips and the guy saw it. It was such an intimate gesture I think he felt embarrassed that he’d intruded on the moment. I felt for him, a momentary pang of sympathy that what held him so spellbound was in my hands.

The fun was just beginning too. The music was excellent and we hit the dance floor. I’ve always been told I was a good dancer but I am nothing compared to T. I honestly do think she floats just a few inches off the ground so smooth is she. Now? I cannot even recall the song that was playing, all I remember of the dance was the passion and T telling me she had claimed me in a way no one else ever had or will. That is an undeniable truth that will withstand the ages.

As the music ended, the exquisite torture continued. I dipped her down low and she exposed her throat. It was then that I almost snapped. I held on long enough to get us to the table and she sat down, that errant bit of lace appeared again and that was it. I could only manage two simple words: We’re leaving. I had to get out of that place before all control was gone, before I gave in to the fire roaring inside. She knew it, planned on it, encouraged it, minx that she is. I kept calm till we got outside before sweeping her into my arms and carrying her to the car. I do not remember the drive home so full of her were my senses. It does not matter. What matters is the realization that T is etched into every cell in my body, every last part of my thoughts, wishes, dreams and desires. If a bit of lace can affect me so, I can only imagine what the coming years with the actual woman will be like.

Well, my personal Lavi avoidance campaign is in motion. I sent her a note tonight to let her know about Leo and the Underground so I don’t have to go meet her in person. Sounds like the usual procedure an addict follows – avoid temptation – except in this case, it is not so much temptation as consideration for T. She needs some assurance that Lavi is no longer a threat and she is going to get it.

While we were at the Circus, Dox showed. Apparently Lavi passed on my request to him to meet, so we sat and discussed the Council for some time. I have to hand it to T, she gave him quite a tongue lashing over the Council’s long absence and that took courage to stand up to a being as powerful as Dox. He had his reasons for being gone since he was tracking the killer of his childe but the rest were annoyingly mum on why. I suggested to him that we might take over the day to day stuff, replace the Council and leave them to more important things. To our surprise, he seemed to like the idea and will speak to the rest.

Part of me is really excited about the prospect. It’s high time we marshalled our forces and took things into our own hands. Our kind has always been less than cohesive as compared to the others, but times are such it is now needed. As long as we don’t turn into a carbon copy of the others with their wasteful politics, I’m good. I guess we will see…