March 26, 2007
We went out to the ranch to visit with Dusty and Leo tonight as they had asked T to come see her horse, Swindapa, who is a real beauty. T is still rather withdrawn, but as it has only been a few days since her return, it is to be expected. Still, the fact that she was willing to get out and go visit is a hopeful sign. Dusty mentioned they might be out of town a few days on some business. For some reason it seemed to bother T a little so on the drive back to town I asked her about it.
Her answer surprised me. She grew agitated and insisted that she was not worthless. It was at that point that we pulled off the road at the overlook and had a talk. I am trying to make her understand that no one thinks of her as worthless; instead, they are concerned for her as friends, that they want to make sure she is alright. What T survived speaks to the fear in all of us and leaves us asking the question: Would I have been able to survive it? It speaks volumes for T’s inner strength and we are all very aware of that. As such, none would ever think her worthless.
Talk turned to other things and she asked about the broken mirror I keep hanging on our wall. We settled in at our spot looking out over the moonlight-washed desert as the tale unfolded….
That mirror was broken over sixty years ago, the night I was embraced. I can still see Macayla, my sire, so very clearly in my mind even now. It was she who sent the note backstage, written in green ink on the napkin that now resides in the safe in my hidden room. She and Lavi were at the show that night and after my set it was brought back to the dressing room. I had them find her and show her back.
There was a bet between Macayla and Lavi I gathered. They never divulged just what it was. Macayla talked a good game, I’ll give her that. She was Lavi’s total opposite too – soft spoken, gentle. A good kid all around. We began to talk and when I heard what she had to say, well…who was I to resist? Macayla was unlike any woman who’d ever shown an interest in me. She was deep, smart, nice…and it amazed me someone like that would give a hoot about someone me. Add on what she was offering, I jumped at it.
She came over to the house, and Lavi too. Lavi stayed in the background mostly, just talking and being sociable. Things went along just as they should. I left this world in one form and was reborn, Macayla’s childe. I awoke and I thought it was all good.
We were never really sure what happened. When I woke up and after all the weirdness subsided, I wanted to see myself. Apparently becoming undead had done little to kill my ego. I wanted to see exactly what I was going to look like for the rest of my nights. I went over to that mirror, it was my pride and joy, an antique from T’s time actually. I leaned in to look and saw….nothing but the room behind me. They thought I was joking and both came over to see. There the three of us stood in front of that big mirror. I saw them and an empty space between where I should have been. We all just stood there blinking, mouths hanging open. They didn’t know what to make of it. Lavi said she knew that happened to the children of the Abyss but never to our kind.
When I recovered from the shock, the rage was unavoidable. It rolled over me so suddenly and completely I could do nothing but let it out. There was a big crystal vase on the table by the mirror. It had lilies in it, I remember, calla lilies as Macayla was fond of them. I roared and they both got the hell out of my way. The lilies went flying, the vase went through the mirror.
At the time it was horrifying and to some extent still bothers me so I keep it as a constant reminder of the night I became what I am. It is also a reminder of what I once was as well, so I do not let my vanity and ego get out of hand though it has not been much good for that. It’s a little push to be better than what I was, or to try at least. I am honest with myself. I know exactly what I am and I don’t try to fool myself into thinking I am anything else. That way lies madness you know. I asked so long ago why someone like Macayla would ever care about me and as I sat with T in the desert tonight, I found myself asking that same question again about her this time. I like to think she sees something in me that I do not and I pray that she is right.
