Behind The Mirror

From the sublime to the ridiculous….

We arrived home and I took T into the hidden room. There was another need boiling up in me now, one even stronger than the need to indulge myself in her and forget everything else. Someone has to know in case something ever happens to me. This means no going back. Such secrets bind us even more deeply that the blood and she had to know before things will ever be settled with us. I knew going in this would be hard for her and I was right but it was necessary. I laid myself bare for her tonight, no more secrets, no more hiding, only truth – so very painful yes, but not nearly as much as imagining and uncertainty. I wish I could have spared you this T, but it was necessary to lay the past to rest. There are secrets that could mean our lives and the lives of those around us. It’s a heavy burden, one I would not impose on you unless I thought it necessary, and it is.

I sat her down and began the tale, the tale that she both needed to hear and dreaded at the same time….the details of the truce with Mad Jake, the story of Lavi and the bond. This time I held nothing back, I gave it all. The night of our first taste, the second, then the night of the horrible storm and the final step. I spoke of the memories it brought up, memories of Macayla, Lavi and I at Liza’s in ‘98…of Paolo’s appearance…how he was wrong somehow…then the horrible scene in the alley that ended with Macayla lying shredded and dead at Paolo’s hands…Lavi’s tears….and my own.

Something in my words set off her own dark memories of that time and they seemed to take her over. She panicked, scrambling backwards as if something were after her and had hold of her. She gave a shriek of terror and anguish that seemed to last forever, a sound I was sure would tear me apart. I tried to calm her and I do not think she could even see me. GET AWAY FROM ME! It was a scream that ripped through me as she tried wildly to get away, get out of my grip, and slammed herself into the wall. Her hands were up as if warding off something I could not see and she crumbled, sobbing frantically as the past sucked her down. I ordered her to look at me and much as I was loathe to do so, I entered her mind, forced her to calm down. It was a terrible thing to watch but I know the depths of hell that pulled at her for I had been there myself once.

The story continued and surprisingly T admitted that she had immediately sensed when Lavi and I were bound. We had tried hard to keep the signs private, not to let on in public or act as if anything had changed but T knew. Little things gave me away I am sure…my eyes have always betrayed my emotions to those who know me well and T reads me like a book. She said that when she realized it her first thought was to leave, perhaps go back to Europe, but she could not, that never seeing me again was worse than staying here and living with the knowledge that she and I would never be. Damn it, T! All that wasted time…why did you never tell me? Why was I too blind to see it? If only I had known…before….if only…

If only she had never given herself to Terrence. When that happened, I was sure that was a sign that she did not see me as I wished she did, that what I had wanted so long was an impossible dream. She told me tonight that she gave in to him only because she knew she had lost me to Lavi, because I never did anything but smile and flirt and gave her no hope of anything more while he was charming, dashing…made her feel as if she were the most important person in the world. He gave her what I failed to give, it was that simple. She told me how it happened, how she hesitated at first, how it felt good having his presence within her. The words sliced my soul like a knife and I cursed myself inwardly. How foolish we both were!

I could sit no longer and began to pace the room, trying desperately to convince myself that since he was dead and gone, the past did not matter. I knew then, with frightening clarity, exactly what T has been going through with Lavi. The bond with Lavi was a mistake. The reasons were good at the time but it has caused far too much pain for all of us. It is time to forgive, accept the past and the choices we made, move on and make things right…now.

I looked over at T and damned if that bit of lace was not peeking out at me again, stopping me short in my path across the carpet. I heard myself order her to lose the garters and it was almost more than I could bear, watching as the stockings slid so very slowly down those perfect legs of hers. A last thought passed through my mind before the beast took over – despite everything Lavi was, there was always you, T. Terrence did not deserve you. Lord knows I probably do not but even so, I will have you. Forever.

I never knew that something so innocent as a bit of lace could be so completely and utterly wicked. I should have known I was in for it the minute I walked in the door at the Marble Palace and saw her.

She’d gone home to change after we met with Dox and boy…she had dressed for the occasion in a dark blue velvet version of the “little black dress” – backless – her hair done in a gorgeous up-do that involved cascading ringlets over one shoulder. Crystal earrings dangled from her ears, and a crystal necklace had a long, sparkling trailer that fell down her back along her spine. She wore stockings and a midnight blue garter belt, the straps of which occasionally peeked out when she was seated. A pair of black T-strap heels completed the outfit. For a second there I think I was a little dizzy and judging by the looks of the men close by, they felt the same. The looks turned to envy as T moved to my side, offering her lips for a kiss. Did I say I thought I was dizzy? After that kiss I know I was.

And T was merciless tonight. We made it to our table and as she sat down, the aforementioned bit of lace peeked out from the hem of her dress along with the end of a garter. Oh dear Lord, the evening was almost over before it began. I noticed the man at the next table was all eyes too. I could not help myself…I reached down, touched that lace, one stealthy brush of the fingertips and the guy saw it. It was such an intimate gesture I think he felt embarrassed that he’d intruded on the moment. I felt for him, a momentary pang of sympathy that what held him so spellbound was in my hands.

The fun was just beginning too. The music was excellent and we hit the dance floor. I’ve always been told I was a good dancer but I am nothing compared to T. I honestly do think she floats just a few inches off the ground so smooth is she. Now? I cannot even recall the song that was playing, all I remember of the dance was the passion and T telling me she had claimed me in a way no one else ever had or will. That is an undeniable truth that will withstand the ages.

As the music ended, the exquisite torture continued. I dipped her down low and she exposed her throat. It was then that I almost snapped. I held on long enough to get us to the table and she sat down, that errant bit of lace appeared again and that was it. I could only manage two simple words: We’re leaving. I had to get out of that place before all control was gone, before I gave in to the fire roaring inside. She knew it, planned on it, encouraged it, minx that she is. I kept calm till we got outside before sweeping her into my arms and carrying her to the car. I do not remember the drive home so full of her were my senses. It does not matter. What matters is the realization that T is etched into every cell in my body, every last part of my thoughts, wishes, dreams and desires. If a bit of lace can affect me so, I can only imagine what the coming years with the actual woman will be like.

Well, my personal Lavi avoidance campaign is in motion. I sent her a note tonight to let her know about Leo and the Underground so I don’t have to go meet her in person. Sounds like the usual procedure an addict follows – avoid temptation – except in this case, it is not so much temptation as consideration for T. She needs some assurance that Lavi is no longer a threat and she is going to get it.

While we were at the Circus, Dox showed. Apparently Lavi passed on my request to him to meet, so we sat and discussed the Council for some time. I have to hand it to T, she gave him quite a tongue lashing over the Council’s long absence and that took courage to stand up to a being as powerful as Dox. He had his reasons for being gone since he was tracking the killer of his childe but the rest were annoyingly mum on why. I suggested to him that we might take over the day to day stuff, replace the Council and leave them to more important things. To our surprise, he seemed to like the idea and will speak to the rest.

Part of me is really excited about the prospect. It’s high time we marshalled our forces and took things into our own hands. Our kind has always been less than cohesive as compared to the others, but times are such it is now needed. As long as we don’t turn into a carbon copy of the others with their wasteful politics, I’m good. I guess we will see…

I arrived home tonight to find T dancing in the downstairs den. Mesmerizing is the word that comes to mind, and I barely managed to close the door before I was captivated. She is all liquid motion and grace, the movements as natural to her as breathing to those who are still mortal. It’s as if the music took form and that form is T…sultry and spellbinding. She told me that Terrence always loved to watch her dance, and I can understand why. I evenadmitted that, although I still cannot bring myself to say his name. At least tonight the mention of him did not bring with it the usual wave of anger, though the regret he stirs in me over lost time will, perhaps, never leave me.

But tonight, I am calm. I have had my monthly ego-pricking from Leo and I have to say I love the man for it. Friends are those who will make you feel good; true friends are those who will tell it to you straight for your own good. In the aftermath of the blow up with T, things are good, much as the air is cleared after a violent storm. Granted, you don’t need too many of those but they do happen from time to time and it paves the way for greater understanding.

T and I…we know far too many soft spots in each other, and the bond only complicates it. We must be careful, and as Leo said, honest. I know I tend to want to gloss over things to spare her feelings and her worry and perhaps that is not the best course. It is fear T, pure and simple. Fear that if I do tell you, you will do what you almost did last night and leave me if you see all my demons. That brings us back to trust though…trust that you love me enough for it not to matter. Trust that you will still love me in spite of it. Terrence is once again in my mind where he has become a frequent visitor of late. He tried to give you the world and yet, no matter how much he tried, you were always drawn back here…back to me.

When I am honest, it seems too good to be true, but I take you at your word for I feel it, see it in everything you do. Trust, T….I have started down that road. No more secrets…

So far so good. I have decided that limiting contact with Lavi to public places and only when others are around is the best thing right now and things have been surprisingly calm. I am not sure whether to be relieved or concerned that this is the calm before the storm but I guess time will tell and I’ll deal with it either way.

I went out to the ranch tonight to see Dusty and Leo and as always it was a welcome respite from the usual events of life. Time seems to stand still out there and the world seems so far away, problems so distant. I know, too, that they will always give it to me straight and I would not have it any other way. Leo has been taken into the Underground now and I have put him in charge of overseeing the holes and the blacklist, given the absence of Rebecca’s clan in the area of late. I meant to tell Lavi this at our meeting the other night but things obviously went a different way.

I did warn them that things have gotten more than a little testy with me and Lavi and as usual, Leo immediately saw straight to the heart of the matter, asking if the issue was wandering hands or unwanted advances. More like old history, a lot of it, and they both sensed it was causing bigger problems. At Dusty’s order to spill it, I told them what happened last night. It was their considered opinion that such disagreements, and the resulting pain they cause, are their own punishments. On one hand I agree – I never ever want to go through such again, but on the other hand I do not know if I can ever really make up for all the pain that uncertainty has caused T.

Leo says he thinks that at times I worry too much about being ‘slick’ and that I need to let that go in favor of being more ‘real’ with T. I try but old habits die hard sometimes. I have spent almost sixty years hiding what I always felt for her, watching and waiting. Don’t give up on me T, I’m getting there….I promise.

I am up again and in my chair. T will be awake soon and panic when I am not there…at least until she sees the rose. For the moment all is silent and as I prepare to face the night and T’s questions, a bit of a song I heard recently comes to mind as I think of Lavi and it is eerily fitting.

…You were the one that kept my feet on the ground
And then brought me down to my knees

Nobody haunts me like you
Nobody’s cut me down deep
Like bedside prayer kneeling
With no soul to keep

Nobody haunts me like you…

Not exactly flattering, no? Neither is what I turned into because of her, and it is time to first come clean, then fix it and move on. T is stirring and suddenly she is there in the doorway, a vision in red that takes my breath away. She was worried, I can see it clearly and of course she does not ask. I find the words to apologize but they sound too hollow, too glib and she turns away, moving from my sight. In an instant I am in the room behind her, closing the door, leaning against it, blocking the way and swearing to her that I will never again rise before she wakes. It is the one thing she has asked of me, such a small thing, but I have failed her often…never again, T. Never again will I give you cause to worry, never again will I make you afraid that I will leave. If you only knew, if I could somehow love you enough on the outside to make you feel it in your heart, if only….

She is dressing now, turned away. She cannot look at me and I order her to turn around, to face me. It occurs to me that she is dressing to go out. This cannot be, she does not see….and what little control I have left begins to slide away from me. She says she trusts me, so she has to sit so she may hear what I have to say all the way through.

I begin, slowly at first, then the words tumbling out, telling her of what transpired last night. I can see in her eyes that she thinks the worst, hiding her face from me once more. I told her all of it, everything I said to Lavi – I had to get it out, to clear the air once and for all. If the words had been my switchblade they could not have cut deeper. She was up again, grabbing her shawl and her next words will be etched in my memory as long as I walk the nights, words that seared worse than any fire, threatened an eternity of loneliness and desolation.

“You must choose – once and for all. If you /want/ to be with me, if you love me, then BE WITH ME. Not halfway – not thinking about another woman – not wishing for someone else. If the only reason you are here is because you are afraid to hurt me by leaving, then LEAVE! Choose your path, Louie, and walk it. You cannot walk two paths – and neither of us wants to share. I do not want you to be with me if it is not what you want with all your heart and blood and soul!”

I cannot stand in the face of this onslaught, yet I cannot let her get out of this room. I want to lash out, take back that word somehow. If she passes through the door now I have lost her, I know this as surely as I know the moon will rise tomorrow and I will be alone. I refuse to let her go, insist that there is no doubt, only us. I will not let her do this to us, can’t you see, T? I will not…

And then she says all she ever wanted was me and the Beast was loose then, springing at her, taking her down beneath me. I feel my lips at her throat and for a moment it is as if I am watching from above, removed from the savage thing I have become. She is mine, she will always be mine….the thought rings in my head, drowning out everything else. I see the fire in her eyes, I see her come alive now….the Beast roars in triumph as I have finally, somehow, reached all the way down inside, made her see the truth. It is too much now and the room begins to fade from my view, all strength and will burned away. Someone is repeating her name over and over. Tsaya….Tsaya….I realize it is my own voice, she is my prayer, my lifeline once again.

Don’t go T. You cannot. I won’t let you. Shhh, love, I am here. All is well. I will never leave you….

My own reply is a whisper now, and finally I say the words to her I have written here so often but never gave a voice.

I love you…

It is almost dawn and I am sitting in the upstairs parlour staring out at the fading dark. T is already asleep in the next room, it is very late, and so I am alone with my thoughts, thoughts as painful and chaotic as they will be for her when she wakes tonight. She will not want to press, not ask why I was so late getting in, why I did not get home before she slept. She will not ask but it will be there in her eyes, those dark expressive eyes that will reveal the pain she carries despite her best attempts to hide it.

And so I sit, thinking over the events of this evening, fighting off the oblivion of the sunrise just a few minutes longer, enough time so that I can try to make some sense of what happened and so that I am able tell T, to get through the painful parts and to the part where I promise her that all is well. Lavi….it is her I saw this night, her that refuses to back down, to leave my thoughts despite my insistence that there is no going back. Tonight’s meeting was difficult, angry, and strangely clarifying. I close my eyes to block out the dawn, and it is Lavi’s face that looms in my mind as she was tonight…

She was her usual cool, calm, and sarcastic self – the veneer she adopts when she is hurt or upset and wishes to hide it. After the opening snide ‘pleasanteries’, I said what I came to say: that I owed for all her help in getting T home. As usual, the mention of T brought with it the waves of anger I have come to expect. I decided it was time to speak frankly with her, we have avoided this issue for too long and I did my best to impress on her that there is no going back. I made it clear that I refuse to hurt T any more than she has been already. She wakes up every night expecting to see that Lavi and I have ridden off into the sunset together. And while I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still think about it sometimes, I can’t go there again.

This is where things took an odd turn. She seemed to misunderstand my intentions, somehow, and try as I might, I still cannot see where the misunderstanding came about. She said I needed to make up my mind or she would make the decision for me and looking back it sounds very much like a threat. I apologized, but I said I recall too vividly what it was like when she left. It was too painful and I cannot do that again. And Lavi being Lavi, she caught me with a good left hook.

Determined as I was to clear the air completely, I left her with these words that I record here. …There is a vast gulf between hope and desire, Lavi. There was a time I damn near drowned in that gulf before T pulled me out. No matter how badly we may desire something sometimes, it may not be good for us. Eventually, we accept it or go down. I do love you, and always will. But I am where I need to be and where I want to be. It’s better all around for all of us. I then made a hasty retreat in time to avoid getting hit by her paper weight.

What I said is true. I do love her, and I have for sixty years now, but it will never be what I have with T. Lavi I managed to walk away from, T I know it would be impossible for me to even try. And so, I sit here facing the dawn wondering how I will ever tell her this story, the story she needs so badly to hear to banish the doubts, without raising further suspicions. An unexpected face pops into my mind now….Terrence. He was the one real threat to an eternity with T. He worshipped her at a time I could not do so openly, or even willingly. How I envied and hated him then. But I know, deep down, just how T feels. Whatever it takes, I will do, that is my vow.

The sleep begins to overtake me now, and so I rise, making my way into the next room to sleep at her side, letting the dreams come…letting the fear fade with the coming day…

I found T at the Circus tonight, in the tent where she and I took the first step together not so many months ago. She is getting her circus legs back she says. A slight bobble brought out the old, accustomed frustration in her and I take it as another good sign, one that lightens the heavy stone of worry that has weighed down my heart since her return. I see her up on the wire as I see her often in my dreams but they are impatient dreams. Sleep filled with dreams of one such as you T are, by necessity, too long to the waking to see the real thing. I am impatient as well this night as I have heard form Lavi and am to meet her later. After all she did to help me find T, I owe her a thanks in person and I suppose I will see what price she desires for that help.

T is on the ground now, standing before me, a vision. The roses I left for her upon waking are woven into her hair, framing that perfect face, the fragrance of them will forever more remind me of her no matter what the centuries bring. I have brought her something this night, something that is more precious than anything I own, something that symbolizes my promise to her for eternity….Macayla’s ring. The gold filigree of the band glows softly in the gaslights, the emerald eyes of the dragon have the spark of something alive as I slip the ring onto her finger. Our kind usually avoids such ceremonial remnants of the mortal world but this symbolizes so much more T. It comes form the woman who brought me into this life of shadows, it is only fitting that it is now worn by the woman who brought me back to life not so long ago.

She has asked about Lavi…Lavi who always seems to be at the edge of everything we do. It surprised her to learn that it was Lavi who left me – left me to face the nights without her, left me deluding myself that she would come back, that she needed me…and eventually left me a bestial, bloody mess praying for it all to end until I heard T’s voice whisper in my mind. Some things are stronger than the blood and I now know this to be true. Love of T has proven it.

My time, my life, belong to T now but I must give Lavi these next few minutes. She helped bring T home and I owe her that much at least. Let’s hope the price is not too high.

We went out to the ranch to visit with Dusty and Leo tonight as they had asked T to come see her horse, Swindapa, who is a real beauty. T is still rather withdrawn, but as it has only been a few days since her return, it is to be expected. Still, the fact that she was willing to get out and go visit is a hopeful sign. Dusty mentioned they might be out of town a few days on some business. For some reason it seemed to bother T a little so on the drive back to town I asked her about it.

Her answer surprised me. She grew agitated and insisted that she was not worthless. It was at that point that we pulled off the road at the overlook and had a talk. I am trying to make her understand that no one thinks of her as worthless; instead, they are concerned for her as friends, that they want to make sure she is alright. What T survived speaks to the fear in all of us and leaves us asking the question: Would I have been able to survive it? It speaks volumes for T’s inner strength and we are all very aware of that. As such, none would ever think her worthless.

Talk turned to other things and she asked about the broken mirror I keep hanging on our wall. We settled in at our spot looking out over the moonlight-washed desert as the tale unfolded….

That mirror was broken over sixty years ago, the night I was embraced. I can still see Macayla, my sire, so very clearly in my mind even now. It was she who sent the note backstage, written in green ink on the napkin that now resides in the safe in my hidden room. She and Lavi were at the show that night and after my set it was brought back to the dressing room. I had them find her and show her back.

There was a bet between Macayla and Lavi I gathered. They never divulged just what it was. Macayla talked a good game, I’ll give her that. She was Lavi’s total opposite too – soft spoken, gentle. A good kid all around. We began to talk and when I heard what she had to say, well…who was I to resist? Macayla was unlike any woman who’d ever shown an interest in me. She was deep, smart, nice…and it amazed me someone like that would give a hoot about someone me. Add on what she was offering, I jumped at it.

She came over to the house, and Lavi too. Lavi stayed in the background mostly, just talking and being sociable. Things went along just as they should. I left this world in one form and was reborn, Macayla’s childe. I awoke and I thought it was all good.

We were never really sure what happened. When I woke up and after all the weirdness subsided, I wanted to see myself. Apparently becoming undead had done little to kill my ego. I wanted to see exactly what I was going to look like for the rest of my nights. I went over to that mirror, it was my pride and joy, an antique from T’s time actually. I leaned in to look and saw….nothing but the room behind me. They thought I was joking and both came over to see. There the three of us stood in front of that big mirror. I saw them and an empty space between where I should have been. We all just stood there blinking, mouths hanging open. They didn’t know what to make of it. Lavi said she knew that happened to the children of the Abyss but never to our kind.

When I recovered from the shock, the rage was unavoidable. It rolled over me so suddenly and completely I could do nothing but let it out. There was a big crystal vase on the table by the mirror. It had lilies in it, I remember, calla lilies as Macayla was fond of them. I roared and they both got the hell out of my way. The lilies went flying, the vase went through the mirror.

At the time it was horrifying and to some extent still bothers me so I keep it as a constant reminder of the night I became what I am. It is also a reminder of what I once was as well, so I do not let my vanity and ego get out of hand though it has not been much good for that. It’s a little push to be better than what I was, or to try at least. I am honest with myself. I know exactly what I am and I don’t try to fool myself into thinking I am anything else. That way lies madness you know. I asked so long ago why someone like Macayla would ever care about me and as I sat with T in the desert tonight, I found myself asking that same question again about her this time. I like to think she sees something in me that I do not and I pray that she is right.

Day 3 at the Safe. While T slept, I did some rounds of the place, checking on things, seeing what needed to be done to get it back in shape in case things turn for the worst and amazingly, it looks good. Fresh stores will be needed but beyond that, everything is fine. When I came back, she was up and awaiting me in the hall, with a smile that was the beginning of that warm and happy smile I am so used to. We settled in to talk if she wanted to but mainly just to be together again, touch, know he is not still out there waiting.

She is relieved but seems to be having some trouble, understandably, with the idea that he truly is gone when it was not by her hand and she did not see his end. Modern theory calls it closure, but I believe there is still some unsated need for revenge, again, understandably. What she shared with me next only serves to uphold my thoughts there. She puts on a brave face but I know her far too well to be fooled.

After some hesitation, she told me that this was not a unique occurrence, that he had done the same many years ago when she was but newly embraced. She had hoped that the many decades since, with no sign of him, meant he had finally given up on her, forgotten. Foolish hope. Kindred have long memories and the thought of him out there watching her, plotting and planning and biding his time stirs something in me that is dark, angry and forbidding. She was in my arms them, but as she spoke of his previous atrocities, the warmth she usually gives me was replaced by rage…and by the desire to reclaim her as my own, cleanse her of every shred of the taint left in her by his touch and his blood. Both my ego and the Beast demand it and for once, I shall not fight it. Again the words fade, replaced by the vision of this night…

Do you trust me, T? Will you place your unlife in my hands so that I may remove the last of him from you? So that I will not look at you and see you as he left you, so broken and despoiled?

The Beast is howling in my ears now as I drink, draining the vitae that sustains her, the vitae that ran from his veins to hers, leaving nothing but shame. She is so still beneath me now, the sleep stealing over her. So careful, I must be so careful…the illusions begin to spin wildly as the blood burns away from me, colors blinding and chaotic, mind numbing, but even they cease as now, I am empty of her vitae as well. The blood courses down my throat, my own thirst eased and once again she is in my arms. Drink my darling, take what is rightfully yours, so that I may reclaim what is rightfully mine.

Mine….mine…the words escape me in a hiss, echoing in the room and in my mind and deep inside the Beast purrs as it, too, reclaims her jealously. Mine…

We are quiet now, together and pure once again. Even as I murmur words of comfort and assurance, I think of Jago. I have no illusions that deep inside, in that part of me where the darkness lives, that I enjoyed his last few minutes on this earth, enjoyed his suffering. I also know, with absolute certainty, that
should I ever give in to the darkness, I would be like him. I am so very grateful that we saved you T, my salvation. Had we not, I would be lost and what Jago did would be child’s play…