Behind The Mirror

I took T back to the Savoy tonight as I felt we needed a night out and that place always makes for a relaxing evening. My only regret for it is that I can no longer indulge in the wonderful concoctions Sylvester mixes up behind the bar. He makes a martini the likes of which no one else will ever be able to match and despite the fact I have not had one in sixty years, I can still recall the taste as if it were yesterday.

We talked initially of the Council and I told her of my visit to Dusty and Leo and that I had officially turned it over to her to run. T needs me now far more than the Council needs Louie present and accounted for at all times. I knew that would get a frown from her and I was right. She is afraid of becoming a liability, that she is why I am giving up my responsibilities. She needs to understand that she is my primary responsibility now…her, and us. It’s a matter of priorities. It’s also that I have little patience for politics. I don’t mind it as long as I am in the mood for it but I do not want to be so tied to it that we cannot pick up and go as we desire. Now we can. If I were leading the Council and traveling about as she and I wish to do it would be no better than Lavi and the previous Council, a mistake which we do not want to repeat.

Talk then turned to the subject of Djivan. I felt it was time T really understood his part in our lives, what he truly means – how he has kept up with T a long time, how he has always known what she means to me, how he keeps my secrets… I did not have to say it for her to understand that he knew my feelings and kept them from Lavi all along. She asked me finally just how long he has been watching, and I knew what she was asking. I told her the truth: that he’d been looking out for her since I first met her, first realized how I felt, how much she meant to me….sixty years. He always knew, always kept watch from the shadows at times I could not be around to do it myself, at times I was around and could not, during the Lavi times especially.

Wasted time? Perhaps, but then things were not always so simple as they are now. Lavi clouded me, life distracted me. The road called, especially after Lavi. It was easier to be away than to face the constant ache of loss I felt behind the ties to Lavi, seeing T and knowing how I used to feel, how I knew I was supposed to feel and instead finding myself drowning in Lavi. It was too much. At those times, Djivan was there.

Now? Now T knows, knows the truth, and I am here.

Well, it’s done…I hope. I went out to see Dusty tonight, spent some time talking to her and Leo. I presented her with the idea of her taking over leading the Council and she agreed in typical, quiet Dusty fashion. I know T isn’t one much for talking about private things to others, but Dusty ad Leo are closer to me than most of my own family here in town and she has always given great counsel. I told her that, right now, T needs me. And while I am glad to still sit on it, taking the main chair will mean too little freedom to do as I need to while T is dealing with the emotional wounds left by Jago. She understood, of course. I think that she might be a better choice anyway, given all her contacts in the area.

Leo tonight was another matter. he was distant and not overly friendly as he usually is. T says she suspects that they may have finally taken the last step of the bond and if so that would explain it. The first days after doing so can be rough as the blood makes you suspect everyone that says hello to your mate and give a roaring jealousy its freedom. In time, he will get used to it as it settles in. I feel for the guy though, I’ve been there. I still am but it has mellowed at least. In my case I was even so insanely jealous of a memory , of Terrence, that I could not even say his name but I have finally exorcised that one demon at least.

On a side note, Djivan is in town and while I had some business the other night, he waited for T at the shop to drive her to the Blue Note where we were all to meet. She commented that he had an odd sense of humour. Yes, I will agree with that wholeheartedly. Come to think of it, she said little else, though they seemed to get along well enough. Djivan usually appears larger-than-life and people either immediately love him or run from him, so her casual response is curious. I think, perhaps, this is something I should ask about.

As I write this, it is our last night in Tijuana. I surprised T at the theatre three nights ago. I had her meet me there and I arrived with the car already packed for the trip down here. It was like a dream – the soft lighting, the set left over from Romeo and Juliet. It inspired me to a quote from the balcony scene, which she took up with remarkable ease, replying in kind even as she skirted the stage, keeping out of my reach in the shadows. Just out of reach….ahh, T, so many years it has been that way and only now is it beginning to shift in our favor.

‘How silver-sweet sound lovers’ tongues by night, Like softest music to attending ears…’ Her nearness called to me in the empty theatre prompting my last line before I drew her to me, whispered that we were going away for a few days.

I am sitting on the deck of Djivan’s house now, watching T splash in the surf just down at the water…so carefree and light-hearted, something I have not seen in her in ages. It warms this cold, dead heart to see it. Djivan has offered this house for as long as, and whenever, we want it and I have thought many times over the last three days about staying. The worry is gone from her face, he laughter even now floats back to me amidst the crash of the surf on the sand. She has said she likes it here. Even more important is the fact that she likes us here. I feel that too, as if the world is finally ours after too much wasted time.

Serenity….that is what it is. Being away from Cole Valley has cleansed us both, at least somewhat, of some of our demons. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about Terrence since our arrival. For some reason he seems to be my constant mental companion these last few nights. The more time he spends in my thoughts, the more I am beginning to understand him. With the new relationship that T and I share now, I can understand him far better. I cannot fault him for being totally obsessed with her, I certainly am. I figure that if he was so good for T, and was someone she was willing to get so close to, he had to be a good man. As such, holding on to anger and resentment is useless and stupid. I said as much to her and the significance of my finally saying his name for the first time was not lost on her.

It is our last night here, at least for a few weeks. I have promised to take her down to Costa Rica, but first we must go home. We have responsibilities to the Council to turn over to Dusty, things to settle before we will be free enough to be away for an extended time. Even as I said as much to her, I could feel the weight of it begin to settle on us, see the lines of worry creep back into her expression. It won’t be long, love, I promise you that. Soon we will be on the road once more, the wind at our backs, the baggage left behind.

Well tonight’s waking brought something both good and relieving all at once – my hair has returned. However Lavi managed it, it appears now that it was temporary. T was as relieved as I was, she does seem to enjoy it being on my head. Can’t say as I have an argument for that either, so all’s well that ends well as the immortal Bard used to say.

We stopped in at the Tarantula tonight and I had the chance to speak to Baptiste once again. As I write this, I am turning over an odd coin he kept flipping in his fingers, then tossed to me. The conversation was, as is typical for Baptiste, unusual and enlightening and mysterious all at once.

We spoke about the Council in general and he has offered his assistance as we need, though from the shadows as he has things here he is pursuing that he prefers to keep out of the public view. I had to smile at that, don’t we all? He also warned of the Serpents, but that goes without saying and it amused him that Rebecca does not trust her own family here. I told him then that I’d like for him to meet Dusty and Leo and get to know them. While I did not elaborate, in time I’d like to add him to the Underground. He has proven already that he is fearless in moving to protect our own and that is sorely needed. We will see how it plays out.

Talk moved on then, to T. I do not know how I will ever be able to repay him for his help and for putting his life on the line to help me get her back. Whatever happens, he has my undying gratitude and I told him so. In typical Baptiste fashion, his answer was puzzling. He said this:

“I aided you in saving Tsaya for a two fold reason the first is easy to comprehend and that is that you are of the same blood as me. The second you may not be ready to accept. There is a destiny before you Louie, it stretches to the vast horizons and it is that destiny that leads me to walk this path with you. Tsaya as well although she seems reluctant to accept. If I had not believed within my soul that you both had a svadharma to fulfill I would have destroyed her when she tried to consume her sire. I would have regretted the loss of the friendship that you and I are forging but it is my way….”

He did not elaborate on what that svadharma is, if he even knows precisely. As a show of faith, friendship and trust, he did something surprising then. He gave me his real name, which is Merripen Grey. He is obviously from the old spiritual side of the family, the Shilmulo. I thanked him again, as I know just how much such a gesture means among our family. It was then that he flipped me the coin and smiled. I slipped the coin in my pocket, his last words whispering in my mind.

Thinking about it now, I am not sure I wish to know what exactly this destiny may be. All he would say is that now his path and mine are intertwined. I can think of worse people to walk a path alongside. He is of a strong mind and willing to do what it takes for family. People such as he are rare and to be kept close, watched over. I am exceedingly glad that we were able to stop T, as I would not have wanted to cross swords with Merripen had he attempted to destroy T. Family or no, and personal convictions aside, I would have had to stand against him in her defense. Perhaps he saw this too, who is to say?

T still seems somewhat uncertain of him. Whether it is that she does not yet know him well enough, or the fact that his first sight of her was her defilement at the hands of Jago I do not know. I suspect the latter and hope in time this unease will begin to fade. I have taken some steps to help her along – by taking her out of town for a few days to see the ocean. Cole Valley is not the happiest place for her and so I have spoken to Djivan, who offered the use of his house in Tijuana. I think the time away will do her good and plan to surprise her in a few days. If it pleases her, and brings a smile to her face, then I will have succeeded, at least in a small way, towards beginning to dispel the shadows that haunt her.

We stayed at T’s old haven last night since our upstairs bedroom is still under repair. I awoke tonight to find her gone…strange as it is a compulsion of hers to awaken together. I finally found her upstairs in the shower, and strange again, the door was locked. That was not like her but not too surprising in the wake of Jago’s treatment. When she did not answer I moved on into the kitchen to look for an ashtray, but when the shower continued to run for quite some time I got worried. When she did not answer the knock again, I forced the door open and found her curled up in the shower floor sobbing. It was a sight that made even this cold, dead heart convulse with pain despite the fact that I’d been expecting it ever since her return. She’s been far too chipper and I have been waiting for it to catch up with her.

I reached out to touch her and as I expected, she cringed back for a moment, seeing another in her mind I am sure. She then seemed to realize it was me and as I helped her out and dried her off, she apologized. This, too, pricked at my heart for she has nothing to apologize for. Jago’s shadow still haunts her and she said that she feels like a liability to me, that she did not know how to ‘fix’ herself. I am ashamed to admit this now, but this made me angry and I said to her that if she was going to let one asshole ruin her life then she was not the woman I thought she was. I tried to tell her I did not mean it but she said I did and it was true.

I can sense this is slowly killing her, that unless she deals with it openly so that it loses its power over her she will be forever as broken as she fears. When she pulled back from my touch in the shower, a secret fear I have been harboring came to light, one I finally gave voice to tonight. She had to know, had to be told so that we can deal with this as well. I see how she still flinches when I touch her unexpectedly at times, how sometimes, some word or phrase seems to lock her away from the rest of us…that sometimes it seems like she is seeing him instead of me. Even as I said the words, I hated myself for it and it made her so very angry, angry to the point she slammed me against the wall. Good! She needs to get mad as hell, lay Jago’s terrible actions to rest, understand none of it was her fault. She insisted that she never sees him when she looks at me, that the reason she pulls away is that sometimes her body forgets where she is for a moment, which I have heard is quite common in trauma victims. She asked how I could possibly think this and my only answer was to whisper that it was because I saw him in me that night.

I saw a dark side of myself that I thought was long gone, one that seems to have gotten stronger of late, even though T insists that I am her light, a light that shines far too brightly for the blackness to ever swallow her again. Let’s hope that it is strong enough, T.

Things have been rather hectic in the wake of Dox’s announcement that I am taking over the Council. It seems my instincts were right on and the others are as interested in running things ourselves as I expected. I have met with members of several other families so far, as well as one of the Tower’s Deputies. Seems their big buy is concerned over the growing unrest with them and the Sword and wants to meet with us. It is my guess he wants to forge an alliance, or at the very least see where we stand. I think that maintaining decent relations with them is good, but he has to understand that our neutrality is what keeps us alive. We fight our own battles, not the battles of others.

I have also met Judge finally, and we discussed the Council as well. While he may be as crazy as everyone says, his ideas are good ones, and much of what he said agreed with things we have already begun to put in place. Now it is a matter of having the Families get themselves together and decide themselves who will sit with the Council.

I have to mention here that it has been three days since I lost my hair and so far no signs of it returning. I should note the same of Lavi. She has been impossible to find in the wake of her little surprise, so I sent the following note:

Lavi,

What a surprise and an interesting April Fool’s day. I hope it tickled your fancy adequately. Someone told me today I look quite sexy this way. The rose you left for me in your office was also most thoughtful and your name has been on my lips constantly since. Pity we keep missing each other as I cannot wait to see you. I am, of course,

Your dearest darling love,

~Louie

Let’s hope she knows sarcasm when she sees it.

I could kill Laveine. At this moment, I could gleefully finish her off without one single pang of regret. She knows just where to hit me so it hurts the worst, but this is low even for her. And did I mention this is April Fool’s Day? Did I also mention that I am not laughing? Apparently she did not take my last words to her too well and this is her way of exacting revenge. Oh I will get even…somehow, somewhere, sometime…

It all started when I woke tonight. Normal, quiet night, right? Guess again. I reached up like I do every night to run a hand through my hair. There was only one problem…tonight? It came off in my hand…and on my pillow…and the sheets…and in about three seconds flat there was absolutely none on my head. This just does not happen to my kind. It was then that I screamed, rousing T from a deep sleep and she jumped up as if the Mongol hordes were knocking at the door. When she was finally fully awake she looked at me, completely confused, and all she could say was, “Louie, what did you do??”

I did not have an answer for her at that moment, though one would appear shortly. Confusion warred with panic that slowly turned to rage as I opened the note sitting on the bedside table. Wouldn’t you know, it was from Lavi and said this:

‘My dearest darling love- Here’s a gift to try and pay back a little of the joy you’ve given me. -Lavi

I felt myself begin to shake and somehow managed to put a few coherent words together, enough to ask T to get me the telephone. Lavi, of course, did not answer but I left her a message, warning her she had not heard the last of this.
I began to pace, trying desperately to keep it together till T got out of the room. The minute she left and closed the door, all hell broke loose. The rage washed over me in waves so black as to obliterate my senses. All I know it that I lashed out, over and over, a vile river of curses flowing from my lips all the while. Eventually it began to subside and as I settled down slowly, I could see there was little left of the room. I then did what any man would do. I lit a cigarette and went to find T.

She was sitting on the stairs, waiting patiently. We indulged in some small talk, she offered to straighten the room but there was no help for it. It will have to be completely redone from the floor up I am afraid. T was as gracious as always, assuring me that I was just as handsome without it, but my vanity is having a hard time believing that. The old saying about how we only hurt the ones we love is true. Those we love know us so well they know just where to slip the knife, tonight being a prime example. An ego double whammy. Still…it tells me one thing: given Lavi’s reaction, I definitely hit her weak spot and that thought alone brings a smile on what is otherwise a horrid night.

I have no idea if this is permanent or not but Lavi, I swear to you that you have not heard the end of this. However it was managed, it can be un-managed. There is another old saying – never mess with an old Gypsy. Well Lavi my dear, that works both ways. No one messes with this old Gypsy.