Behind The Mirror

We are settling in well enough now that T is home.  Given  how long we  were apart,  it’s  going to take a little time to get back to normal, whatever that is for us, but I’ve no doubt we will do so.  There is one thing remaining to  do that will  settle all this and then life will be just as it should be. I’ll say this here, I’ve been through such a loss twice now and it never gets any easier. This one was  especially hard because it’s her and only  God and Djivan  have any idea just how bad it was.

Will I tell her?  Maybe in time when all this is behind us and we are back where we should be. I changed  a bit while she was gone – even Djivan noticed that my natural tendencies seemed far more pronounced and while he didn’t go so far as to  try and knock sense into my head,  he did run interference for which I am grateful. I attribute it to  the  separation and  the loss of  a bond of such magnitude that it knocked ne for a real loop and left me trying my best, based purely on instinct, to replace what I’d lost. Stupid beast, even I can  see the folly in that as no one could ever replace T with me.  Not ever….

On a side note, a dozen roses arrived for her at the shop yesterday.  All the card said was:  Sorry I missed you.  She has no idea who sent them, nor do I, but I will admit right here I don’t like it at all. Jealousy?  Yeah,  maybe…okay most likely.  The bigger issue is that it means someone’s watching her and knows she has come home. The problem with that is obvious. She seems to think it’s maybe just someone  who saw her on tour and was moved to send flowers. And maybe I am  getting concerned needlessly and it’s nothing more than a pricking at my ego.  I guess we will see.

It’s been some time since I wrote in this journal, despite my almost compulsive habit of doing so over the years, but it’s been a busy year. In the wake of all the events surrounding T and her sire, and her subsequent difficult recovery, things were looking up. Well until she wanted to get the hell out of dodge and I was reluctant to do so. I just did not feel things were finished enough to go and it’s never good when you are torn between a woman and a place. Her wanderlust and mine were lusting in two different directions and not because of each other for a change.

So, she took an offer from a troupe of acrobats passing through and Djivan took me on the road. “Louie’, he said. “It’ll be great!’ he said. Everytime he said that, it was always a sign of trouble to come and who am I to pass that up? So it was on the road again, as Willie Nelson was so fond of saying. We headed south and T went…wherever. Thank god and Verizon for cell phones but there were times I was out of reach – sometimes it was the service and sometimes I just let it go to voicemail. Dr. Phil has it wrong. Talking about everything is not always the way to go. Sometimes a good voicemail service is the best way to clear your head – they can stay in touch with you and you can not listen and not have deep talks but still know they care. And when you start to miss them, well let your fingers do the walking.

So it was that I finally got my head out of my ass and called and admitted that is where my head had been. T, bless her, was kind enough not to say ‘I told you so’ and assured me she still missed me like crazy. There was more and it was a pull I felt as well that was starting to really get to me. ‘Come home’ I said. She pointed out that I was not yet at home either and we had no idea where home was now. The question in her words was unspoken but it was there. She was wanting to know if I was going to want to go back there but that time has passed. I assured her I had a better spot in mind. Knowing how much she’d enjoyed the beach in Mexico, I thought the closest coast was good and found a decent enough city.

So my bachelor days with Djivan were done and it was time to get down to business as I called it…..whipped is the word I think Djivan used. At least it sounded like that’s were he was going before I punched him a good one to the kisser, which highly amused him. We landed in Magid and soon got the shop set up and things are going right along. I’ve met a fair number of Family here which is surprising.

It took a while for T’s tour to finish up but typical of her, she just appeared at my door one night as if she’d only gone out for a walk an hour earlier. So we are catching up. I’ve a lot of stories for her as I’m sure she does for me. One in particular needs to be told and that is the one that covers the real reason Djivan and I hit the road. We wanted to make sure her past problem, her sire Jago in other words, was truly gone. I know he fell under my hand but that man has ways beyond most of us and it never hurts to make sure. It turns out he is and that is the good news. I heard whispers of some other things I don’t like and that’s the bad news. The good news I’ll tell her now. The bad news? Well….we’re looking into it…..

I took T back to the Savoy tonight as I felt we needed a night out and that place always makes for a relaxing evening. My only regret for it is that I can no longer indulge in the wonderful concoctions Sylvester mixes up behind the bar. He makes a martini the likes of which no one else will ever be able to match and despite the fact I have not had one in sixty years, I can still recall the taste as if it were yesterday.

We talked initially of the Council and I told her of my visit to Dusty and Leo and that I had officially turned it over to her to run. T needs me now far more than the Council needs Louie present and accounted for at all times. I knew that would get a frown from her and I was right. She is afraid of becoming a liability, that she is why I am giving up my responsibilities. She needs to understand that she is my primary responsibility now…her, and us. It’s a matter of priorities. It’s also that I have little patience for politics. I don’t mind it as long as I am in the mood for it but I do not want to be so tied to it that we cannot pick up and go as we desire. Now we can. If I were leading the Council and traveling about as she and I wish to do it would be no better than Lavi and the previous Council, a mistake which we do not want to repeat.

Talk then turned to the subject of Djivan. I felt it was time T really understood his part in our lives, what he truly means – how he has kept up with T a long time, how he has always known what she means to me, how he keeps my secrets… I did not have to say it for her to understand that he knew my feelings and kept them from Lavi all along. She asked me finally just how long he has been watching, and I knew what she was asking. I told her the truth: that he’d been looking out for her since I first met her, first realized how I felt, how much she meant to me….sixty years. He always knew, always kept watch from the shadows at times I could not be around to do it myself, at times I was around and could not, during the Lavi times especially.

Wasted time? Perhaps, but then things were not always so simple as they are now. Lavi clouded me, life distracted me. The road called, especially after Lavi. It was easier to be away than to face the constant ache of loss I felt behind the ties to Lavi, seeing T and knowing how I used to feel, how I knew I was supposed to feel and instead finding myself drowning in Lavi. It was too much. At those times, Djivan was there.

Now? Now T knows, knows the truth, and I am here.

Well, it’s done…I hope. I went out to see Dusty tonight, spent some time talking to her and Leo. I presented her with the idea of her taking over leading the Council and she agreed in typical, quiet Dusty fashion. I know T isn’t one much for talking about private things to others, but Dusty ad Leo are closer to me than most of my own family here in town and she has always given great counsel. I told her that, right now, T needs me. And while I am glad to still sit on it, taking the main chair will mean too little freedom to do as I need to while T is dealing with the emotional wounds left by Jago. She understood, of course. I think that she might be a better choice anyway, given all her contacts in the area.

Leo tonight was another matter. he was distant and not overly friendly as he usually is. T says she suspects that they may have finally taken the last step of the bond and if so that would explain it. The first days after doing so can be rough as the blood makes you suspect everyone that says hello to your mate and give a roaring jealousy its freedom. In time, he will get used to it as it settles in. I feel for the guy though, I’ve been there. I still am but it has mellowed at least. In my case I was even so insanely jealous of a memory , of Terrence, that I could not even say his name but I have finally exorcised that one demon at least.

On a side note, Djivan is in town and while I had some business the other night, he waited for T at the shop to drive her to the Blue Note where we were all to meet. She commented that he had an odd sense of humour. Yes, I will agree with that wholeheartedly. Come to think of it, she said little else, though they seemed to get along well enough. Djivan usually appears larger-than-life and people either immediately love him or run from him, so her casual response is curious. I think, perhaps, this is something I should ask about.

As I write this, it is our last night in Tijuana. I surprised T at the theatre three nights ago. I had her meet me there and I arrived with the car already packed for the trip down here. It was like a dream – the soft lighting, the set left over from Romeo and Juliet. It inspired me to a quote from the balcony scene, which she took up with remarkable ease, replying in kind even as she skirted the stage, keeping out of my reach in the shadows. Just out of reach….ahh, T, so many years it has been that way and only now is it beginning to shift in our favor.

‘How silver-sweet sound lovers’ tongues by night, Like softest music to attending ears…’ Her nearness called to me in the empty theatre prompting my last line before I drew her to me, whispered that we were going away for a few days.

I am sitting on the deck of Djivan’s house now, watching T splash in the surf just down at the water…so carefree and light-hearted, something I have not seen in her in ages. It warms this cold, dead heart to see it. Djivan has offered this house for as long as, and whenever, we want it and I have thought many times over the last three days about staying. The worry is gone from her face, he laughter even now floats back to me amidst the crash of the surf on the sand. She has said she likes it here. Even more important is the fact that she likes us here. I feel that too, as if the world is finally ours after too much wasted time.

Serenity….that is what it is. Being away from Cole Valley has cleansed us both, at least somewhat, of some of our demons. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about Terrence since our arrival. For some reason he seems to be my constant mental companion these last few nights. The more time he spends in my thoughts, the more I am beginning to understand him. With the new relationship that T and I share now, I can understand him far better. I cannot fault him for being totally obsessed with her, I certainly am. I figure that if he was so good for T, and was someone she was willing to get so close to, he had to be a good man. As such, holding on to anger and resentment is useless and stupid. I said as much to her and the significance of my finally saying his name for the first time was not lost on her.

It is our last night here, at least for a few weeks. I have promised to take her down to Costa Rica, but first we must go home. We have responsibilities to the Council to turn over to Dusty, things to settle before we will be free enough to be away for an extended time. Even as I said as much to her, I could feel the weight of it begin to settle on us, see the lines of worry creep back into her expression. It won’t be long, love, I promise you that. Soon we will be on the road once more, the wind at our backs, the baggage left behind.

Well tonight’s waking brought something both good and relieving all at once – my hair has returned. However Lavi managed it, it appears now that it was temporary. T was as relieved as I was, she does seem to enjoy it being on my head. Can’t say as I have an argument for that either, so all’s well that ends well as the immortal Bard used to say.

We stopped in at the Tarantula tonight and I had the chance to speak to Baptiste once again. As I write this, I am turning over an odd coin he kept flipping in his fingers, then tossed to me. The conversation was, as is typical for Baptiste, unusual and enlightening and mysterious all at once.

We spoke about the Council in general and he has offered his assistance as we need, though from the shadows as he has things here he is pursuing that he prefers to keep out of the public view. I had to smile at that, don’t we all? He also warned of the Serpents, but that goes without saying and it amused him that Rebecca does not trust her own family here. I told him then that I’d like for him to meet Dusty and Leo and get to know them. While I did not elaborate, in time I’d like to add him to the Underground. He has proven already that he is fearless in moving to protect our own and that is sorely needed. We will see how it plays out.

Talk moved on then, to T. I do not know how I will ever be able to repay him for his help and for putting his life on the line to help me get her back. Whatever happens, he has my undying gratitude and I told him so. In typical Baptiste fashion, his answer was puzzling. He said this:

“I aided you in saving Tsaya for a two fold reason the first is easy to comprehend and that is that you are of the same blood as me. The second you may not be ready to accept. There is a destiny before you Louie, it stretches to the vast horizons and it is that destiny that leads me to walk this path with you. Tsaya as well although she seems reluctant to accept. If I had not believed within my soul that you both had a svadharma to fulfill I would have destroyed her when she tried to consume her sire. I would have regretted the loss of the friendship that you and I are forging but it is my way….”

He did not elaborate on what that svadharma is, if he even knows precisely. As a show of faith, friendship and trust, he did something surprising then. He gave me his real name, which is Merripen Grey. He is obviously from the old spiritual side of the family, the Shilmulo. I thanked him again, as I know just how much such a gesture means among our family. It was then that he flipped me the coin and smiled. I slipped the coin in my pocket, his last words whispering in my mind.

Thinking about it now, I am not sure I wish to know what exactly this destiny may be. All he would say is that now his path and mine are intertwined. I can think of worse people to walk a path alongside. He is of a strong mind and willing to do what it takes for family. People such as he are rare and to be kept close, watched over. I am exceedingly glad that we were able to stop T, as I would not have wanted to cross swords with Merripen had he attempted to destroy T. Family or no, and personal convictions aside, I would have had to stand against him in her defense. Perhaps he saw this too, who is to say?

T still seems somewhat uncertain of him. Whether it is that she does not yet know him well enough, or the fact that his first sight of her was her defilement at the hands of Jago I do not know. I suspect the latter and hope in time this unease will begin to fade. I have taken some steps to help her along – by taking her out of town for a few days to see the ocean. Cole Valley is not the happiest place for her and so I have spoken to Djivan, who offered the use of his house in Tijuana. I think the time away will do her good and plan to surprise her in a few days. If it pleases her, and brings a smile to her face, then I will have succeeded, at least in a small way, towards beginning to dispel the shadows that haunt her.

We stayed at T’s old haven last night since our upstairs bedroom is still under repair. I awoke tonight to find her gone…strange as it is a compulsion of hers to awaken together. I finally found her upstairs in the shower, and strange again, the door was locked. That was not like her but not too surprising in the wake of Jago’s treatment. When she did not answer I moved on into the kitchen to look for an ashtray, but when the shower continued to run for quite some time I got worried. When she did not answer the knock again, I forced the door open and found her curled up in the shower floor sobbing. It was a sight that made even this cold, dead heart convulse with pain despite the fact that I’d been expecting it ever since her return. She’s been far too chipper and I have been waiting for it to catch up with her.

I reached out to touch her and as I expected, she cringed back for a moment, seeing another in her mind I am sure. She then seemed to realize it was me and as I helped her out and dried her off, she apologized. This, too, pricked at my heart for she has nothing to apologize for. Jago’s shadow still haunts her and she said that she feels like a liability to me, that she did not know how to ‘fix’ herself. I am ashamed to admit this now, but this made me angry and I said to her that if she was going to let one asshole ruin her life then she was not the woman I thought she was. I tried to tell her I did not mean it but she said I did and it was true.

I can sense this is slowly killing her, that unless she deals with it openly so that it loses its power over her she will be forever as broken as she fears. When she pulled back from my touch in the shower, a secret fear I have been harboring came to light, one I finally gave voice to tonight. She had to know, had to be told so that we can deal with this as well. I see how she still flinches when I touch her unexpectedly at times, how sometimes, some word or phrase seems to lock her away from the rest of us…that sometimes it seems like she is seeing him instead of me. Even as I said the words, I hated myself for it and it made her so very angry, angry to the point she slammed me against the wall. Good! She needs to get mad as hell, lay Jago’s terrible actions to rest, understand none of it was her fault. She insisted that she never sees him when she looks at me, that the reason she pulls away is that sometimes her body forgets where she is for a moment, which I have heard is quite common in trauma victims. She asked how I could possibly think this and my only answer was to whisper that it was because I saw him in me that night.

I saw a dark side of myself that I thought was long gone, one that seems to have gotten stronger of late, even though T insists that I am her light, a light that shines far too brightly for the blackness to ever swallow her again. Let’s hope that it is strong enough, T.

Things have been rather hectic in the wake of Dox’s announcement that I am taking over the Council. It seems my instincts were right on and the others are as interested in running things ourselves as I expected. I have met with members of several other families so far, as well as one of the Tower’s Deputies. Seems their big buy is concerned over the growing unrest with them and the Sword and wants to meet with us. It is my guess he wants to forge an alliance, or at the very least see where we stand. I think that maintaining decent relations with them is good, but he has to understand that our neutrality is what keeps us alive. We fight our own battles, not the battles of others.

I have also met Judge finally, and we discussed the Council as well. While he may be as crazy as everyone says, his ideas are good ones, and much of what he said agreed with things we have already begun to put in place. Now it is a matter of having the Families get themselves together and decide themselves who will sit with the Council.

I have to mention here that it has been three days since I lost my hair and so far no signs of it returning. I should note the same of Lavi. She has been impossible to find in the wake of her little surprise, so I sent the following note:

Lavi,

What a surprise and an interesting April Fool’s day. I hope it tickled your fancy adequately. Someone told me today I look quite sexy this way. The rose you left for me in your office was also most thoughtful and your name has been on my lips constantly since. Pity we keep missing each other as I cannot wait to see you. I am, of course,

Your dearest darling love,

~Louie

Let’s hope she knows sarcasm when she sees it.

I could kill Laveine. At this moment, I could gleefully finish her off without one single pang of regret. She knows just where to hit me so it hurts the worst, but this is low even for her. And did I mention this is April Fool’s Day? Did I also mention that I am not laughing? Apparently she did not take my last words to her too well and this is her way of exacting revenge. Oh I will get even…somehow, somewhere, sometime…

It all started when I woke tonight. Normal, quiet night, right? Guess again. I reached up like I do every night to run a hand through my hair. There was only one problem…tonight? It came off in my hand…and on my pillow…and the sheets…and in about three seconds flat there was absolutely none on my head. This just does not happen to my kind. It was then that I screamed, rousing T from a deep sleep and she jumped up as if the Mongol hordes were knocking at the door. When she was finally fully awake she looked at me, completely confused, and all she could say was, “Louie, what did you do??”

I did not have an answer for her at that moment, though one would appear shortly. Confusion warred with panic that slowly turned to rage as I opened the note sitting on the bedside table. Wouldn’t you know, it was from Lavi and said this:

‘My dearest darling love- Here’s a gift to try and pay back a little of the joy you’ve given me. -Lavi

I felt myself begin to shake and somehow managed to put a few coherent words together, enough to ask T to get me the telephone. Lavi, of course, did not answer but I left her a message, warning her she had not heard the last of this.
I began to pace, trying desperately to keep it together till T got out of the room. The minute she left and closed the door, all hell broke loose. The rage washed over me in waves so black as to obliterate my senses. All I know it that I lashed out, over and over, a vile river of curses flowing from my lips all the while. Eventually it began to subside and as I settled down slowly, I could see there was little left of the room. I then did what any man would do. I lit a cigarette and went to find T.

She was sitting on the stairs, waiting patiently. We indulged in some small talk, she offered to straighten the room but there was no help for it. It will have to be completely redone from the floor up I am afraid. T was as gracious as always, assuring me that I was just as handsome without it, but my vanity is having a hard time believing that. The old saying about how we only hurt the ones we love is true. Those we love know us so well they know just where to slip the knife, tonight being a prime example. An ego double whammy. Still…it tells me one thing: given Lavi’s reaction, I definitely hit her weak spot and that thought alone brings a smile on what is otherwise a horrid night.

I have no idea if this is permanent or not but Lavi, I swear to you that you have not heard the end of this. However it was managed, it can be un-managed. There is another old saying – never mess with an old Gypsy. Well Lavi my dear, that works both ways. No one messes with this old Gypsy.

From the sublime to the ridiculous….

We arrived home and I took T into the hidden room. There was another need boiling up in me now, one even stronger than the need to indulge myself in her and forget everything else. Someone has to know in case something ever happens to me. This means no going back. Such secrets bind us even more deeply that the blood and she had to know before things will ever be settled with us. I knew going in this would be hard for her and I was right but it was necessary. I laid myself bare for her tonight, no more secrets, no more hiding, only truth – so very painful yes, but not nearly as much as imagining and uncertainty. I wish I could have spared you this T, but it was necessary to lay the past to rest. There are secrets that could mean our lives and the lives of those around us. It’s a heavy burden, one I would not impose on you unless I thought it necessary, and it is.

I sat her down and began the tale, the tale that she both needed to hear and dreaded at the same time….the details of the truce with Mad Jake, the story of Lavi and the bond. This time I held nothing back, I gave it all. The night of our first taste, the second, then the night of the horrible storm and the final step. I spoke of the memories it brought up, memories of Macayla, Lavi and I at Liza’s in ‘98…of Paolo’s appearance…how he was wrong somehow…then the horrible scene in the alley that ended with Macayla lying shredded and dead at Paolo’s hands…Lavi’s tears….and my own.

Something in my words set off her own dark memories of that time and they seemed to take her over. She panicked, scrambling backwards as if something were after her and had hold of her. She gave a shriek of terror and anguish that seemed to last forever, a sound I was sure would tear me apart. I tried to calm her and I do not think she could even see me. GET AWAY FROM ME! It was a scream that ripped through me as she tried wildly to get away, get out of my grip, and slammed herself into the wall. Her hands were up as if warding off something I could not see and she crumbled, sobbing frantically as the past sucked her down. I ordered her to look at me and much as I was loathe to do so, I entered her mind, forced her to calm down. It was a terrible thing to watch but I know the depths of hell that pulled at her for I had been there myself once.

The story continued and surprisingly T admitted that she had immediately sensed when Lavi and I were bound. We had tried hard to keep the signs private, not to let on in public or act as if anything had changed but T knew. Little things gave me away I am sure…my eyes have always betrayed my emotions to those who know me well and T reads me like a book. She said that when she realized it her first thought was to leave, perhaps go back to Europe, but she could not, that never seeing me again was worse than staying here and living with the knowledge that she and I would never be. Damn it, T! All that wasted time…why did you never tell me? Why was I too blind to see it? If only I had known…before….if only…

If only she had never given herself to Terrence. When that happened, I was sure that was a sign that she did not see me as I wished she did, that what I had wanted so long was an impossible dream. She told me tonight that she gave in to him only because she knew she had lost me to Lavi, because I never did anything but smile and flirt and gave her no hope of anything more while he was charming, dashing…made her feel as if she were the most important person in the world. He gave her what I failed to give, it was that simple. She told me how it happened, how she hesitated at first, how it felt good having his presence within her. The words sliced my soul like a knife and I cursed myself inwardly. How foolish we both were!

I could sit no longer and began to pace the room, trying desperately to convince myself that since he was dead and gone, the past did not matter. I knew then, with frightening clarity, exactly what T has been going through with Lavi. The bond with Lavi was a mistake. The reasons were good at the time but it has caused far too much pain for all of us. It is time to forgive, accept the past and the choices we made, move on and make things right…now.

I looked over at T and damned if that bit of lace was not peeking out at me again, stopping me short in my path across the carpet. I heard myself order her to lose the garters and it was almost more than I could bear, watching as the stockings slid so very slowly down those perfect legs of hers. A last thought passed through my mind before the beast took over – despite everything Lavi was, there was always you, T. Terrence did not deserve you. Lord knows I probably do not but even so, I will have you. Forever.