Behind The Mirror

And so the trend continues. Fourteen days past due. I know, I of all people know, how our family is about wandering off and doing whatever comes to mind. I know I have done it to her enough times, but she never seemed the type. Not now, after so long waiting…and especially without calling. The 28 on the calendar is burning itself into memory, black as night, black as…well I am not going there. Two weeks is not so bad, my last wandering was four months, and she welcomed me back with open arms, without question. Still, the hunger for her grows and despite my best intentions, I begin to worry. This is all too familiar ground and the similarity to Lavi is frightening. Still, it has only been two weeks and T will never be like Lavi. A little more time…surely I can give her that before I panic. So I wait as I can do little else just yet.

Lazarus. The thought of Rebecca’s boy always brings a smile to my face. Laz my friend, I miss the hell out of you, especially this week. I sure could use one of your jokes right about now – and I’d only have to say one word as to why and you would understand.

Valentine’s Day. I know our kind doesn’t usually hold much with the old mortal ceremonies and such but I find myself, again, staring at the calendar, which is getting to be a disturbing trend. T’s been gone for a couple of days visiting with her friend, but she insisted she would be back for Valentine’s Day saying she has something special for me. I had actually planned something for her too. She has always wanted to have the city at her feet and Vic arranged to reserve the deck up on top of McMaster’s Place Tower for us. Just us with the world at our feet and no wandering eyes.

When T had not appeared by the time I was up and around, I figured they were having such a good time she wanted to stay on and that’s okay. She needs her fun, she’s had a rough year. However, despite my casual words, here I am, another number on the calendar mocking me. I do not suppose I need a special day to let her know how I feel, but it seemed fitting. I do not say it , but I hope she knows. And not that she will ever see this but it also seems fitting that I say it here first as my life is in these pages.

I love you T…hurry home.

Well here it is. I have been avoiding the thought of it but now I am sitting here staring at the calendar, my eyes drawn to the date like a compass to true north. The number on the page looks so benign and yet it is astounding how a simple printed number could carry such weight, could be such a painful reminder. Even now I can hear the storm in my mind, her knock at the door, the horrifying memories she stirred up…and the secret that was to bind us as surely as we gave in and bound each other.

She said it was all about protection, insurance that I would never reveal it but I know that, deep down, Lavi was so alone, so hungry for someone to hang on to and I fit the bill nicely. She’s always said she trusted me above anyone given all we’ve been through so I guess it was inevitable. And a mistake.

Now, looking back after it’s all over I am convinced of that. I finally became myself again and things are getting back to something approaching normal. At least until today. It seems like some huge cosmic joke that, after being gone for so long again, she reappears on the anniversary of that step that led us down a path that has so damaged the both of us. At least Lavi was civil and businesslike when we saw her tonight and if she suspects the bond T and I now share, she gave no indication. But that’s Lavi – you never know what lurks beneath that cool, affected exterior.

Things at home are fine. T is a saint and it’s all working out just as I had hoped all these long years of waiting for her. She seems to have adjusted decently well to the loss of Terrence and so we go on, making our way together.

Not much else of note except that T is going away for a couple of days to visit an old circus friend she has not seen in ages.