Behind The Mirror

I am up again and in my chair. T will be awake soon and panic when I am not there…at least until she sees the rose. For the moment all is silent and as I prepare to face the night and T’s questions, a bit of a song I heard recently comes to mind as I think of Lavi and it is eerily fitting.

…You were the one that kept my feet on the ground
And then brought me down to my knees

Nobody haunts me like you
Nobody’s cut me down deep
Like bedside prayer kneeling
With no soul to keep

Nobody haunts me like you…

Not exactly flattering, no? Neither is what I turned into because of her, and it is time to first come clean, then fix it and move on. T is stirring and suddenly she is there in the doorway, a vision in red that takes my breath away. She was worried, I can see it clearly and of course she does not ask. I find the words to apologize but they sound too hollow, too glib and she turns away, moving from my sight. In an instant I am in the room behind her, closing the door, leaning against it, blocking the way and swearing to her that I will never again rise before she wakes. It is the one thing she has asked of me, such a small thing, but I have failed her often…never again, T. Never again will I give you cause to worry, never again will I make you afraid that I will leave. If you only knew, if I could somehow love you enough on the outside to make you feel it in your heart, if only….

She is dressing now, turned away. She cannot look at me and I order her to turn around, to face me. It occurs to me that she is dressing to go out. This cannot be, she does not see….and what little control I have left begins to slide away from me. She says she trusts me, so she has to sit so she may hear what I have to say all the way through.

I begin, slowly at first, then the words tumbling out, telling her of what transpired last night. I can see in her eyes that she thinks the worst, hiding her face from me once more. I told her all of it, everything I said to Lavi – I had to get it out, to clear the air once and for all. If the words had been my switchblade they could not have cut deeper. She was up again, grabbing her shawl and her next words will be etched in my memory as long as I walk the nights, words that seared worse than any fire, threatened an eternity of loneliness and desolation.

“You must choose – once and for all. If you /want/ to be with me, if you love me, then BE WITH ME. Not halfway – not thinking about another woman – not wishing for someone else. If the only reason you are here is because you are afraid to hurt me by leaving, then LEAVE! Choose your path, Louie, and walk it. You cannot walk two paths – and neither of us wants to share. I do not want you to be with me if it is not what you want with all your heart and blood and soul!”

I cannot stand in the face of this onslaught, yet I cannot let her get out of this room. I want to lash out, take back that word somehow. If she passes through the door now I have lost her, I know this as surely as I know the moon will rise tomorrow and I will be alone. I refuse to let her go, insist that there is no doubt, only us. I will not let her do this to us, can’t you see, T? I will not…

And then she says all she ever wanted was me and the Beast was loose then, springing at her, taking her down beneath me. I feel my lips at her throat and for a moment it is as if I am watching from above, removed from the savage thing I have become. She is mine, she will always be mine….the thought rings in my head, drowning out everything else. I see the fire in her eyes, I see her come alive now….the Beast roars in triumph as I have finally, somehow, reached all the way down inside, made her see the truth. It is too much now and the room begins to fade from my view, all strength and will burned away. Someone is repeating her name over and over. Tsaya….Tsaya….I realize it is my own voice, she is my prayer, my lifeline once again.

Don’t go T. You cannot. I won’t let you. Shhh, love, I am here. All is well. I will never leave you….

My own reply is a whisper now, and finally I say the words to her I have written here so often but never gave a voice.

I love you…