Behind The Mirror

It is almost dawn and I am sitting in the upstairs parlour staring out at the fading dark. T is already asleep in the next room, it is very late, and so I am alone with my thoughts, thoughts as painful and chaotic as they will be for her when she wakes tonight. She will not want to press, not ask why I was so late getting in, why I did not get home before she slept. She will not ask but it will be there in her eyes, those dark expressive eyes that will reveal the pain she carries despite her best attempts to hide it.

And so I sit, thinking over the events of this evening, fighting off the oblivion of the sunrise just a few minutes longer, enough time so that I can try to make some sense of what happened and so that I am able tell T, to get through the painful parts and to the part where I promise her that all is well. Lavi….it is her I saw this night, her that refuses to back down, to leave my thoughts despite my insistence that there is no going back. Tonight’s meeting was difficult, angry, and strangely clarifying. I close my eyes to block out the dawn, and it is Lavi’s face that looms in my mind as she was tonight…

She was her usual cool, calm, and sarcastic self – the veneer she adopts when she is hurt or upset and wishes to hide it. After the opening snide ‘pleasanteries’, I said what I came to say: that I owed for all her help in getting T home. As usual, the mention of T brought with it the waves of anger I have come to expect. I decided it was time to speak frankly with her, we have avoided this issue for too long and I did my best to impress on her that there is no going back. I made it clear that I refuse to hurt T any more than she has been already. She wakes up every night expecting to see that Lavi and I have ridden off into the sunset together. And while I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still think about it sometimes, I can’t go there again.

This is where things took an odd turn. She seemed to misunderstand my intentions, somehow, and try as I might, I still cannot see where the misunderstanding came about. She said I needed to make up my mind or she would make the decision for me and looking back it sounds very much like a threat. I apologized, but I said I recall too vividly what it was like when she left. It was too painful and I cannot do that again. And Lavi being Lavi, she caught me with a good left hook.

Determined as I was to clear the air completely, I left her with these words that I record here. …There is a vast gulf between hope and desire, Lavi. There was a time I damn near drowned in that gulf before T pulled me out. No matter how badly we may desire something sometimes, it may not be good for us. Eventually, we accept it or go down. I do love you, and always will. But I am where I need to be and where I want to be. It’s better all around for all of us. I then made a hasty retreat in time to avoid getting hit by her paper weight.

What I said is true. I do love her, and I have for sixty years now, but it will never be what I have with T. Lavi I managed to walk away from, T I know it would be impossible for me to even try. And so, I sit here facing the dawn wondering how I will ever tell her this story, the story she needs so badly to hear to banish the doubts, without raising further suspicions. An unexpected face pops into my mind now….Terrence. He was the one real threat to an eternity with T. He worshipped her at a time I could not do so openly, or even willingly. How I envied and hated him then. But I know, deep down, just how T feels. Whatever it takes, I will do, that is my vow.

The sleep begins to overtake me now, and so I rise, making my way into the next room to sleep at her side, letting the dreams come…letting the fear fade with the coming day…

I found T at the Circus tonight, in the tent where she and I took the first step together not so many months ago. She is getting her circus legs back she says. A slight bobble brought out the old, accustomed frustration in her and I take it as another good sign, one that lightens the heavy stone of worry that has weighed down my heart since her return. I see her up on the wire as I see her often in my dreams but they are impatient dreams. Sleep filled with dreams of one such as you T are, by necessity, too long to the waking to see the real thing. I am impatient as well this night as I have heard form Lavi and am to meet her later. After all she did to help me find T, I owe her a thanks in person and I suppose I will see what price she desires for that help.

T is on the ground now, standing before me, a vision. The roses I left for her upon waking are woven into her hair, framing that perfect face, the fragrance of them will forever more remind me of her no matter what the centuries bring. I have brought her something this night, something that is more precious than anything I own, something that symbolizes my promise to her for eternity….Macayla’s ring. The gold filigree of the band glows softly in the gaslights, the emerald eyes of the dragon have the spark of something alive as I slip the ring onto her finger. Our kind usually avoids such ceremonial remnants of the mortal world but this symbolizes so much more T. It comes form the woman who brought me into this life of shadows, it is only fitting that it is now worn by the woman who brought me back to life not so long ago.

She has asked about Lavi…Lavi who always seems to be at the edge of everything we do. It surprised her to learn that it was Lavi who left me – left me to face the nights without her, left me deluding myself that she would come back, that she needed me…and eventually left me a bestial, bloody mess praying for it all to end until I heard T’s voice whisper in my mind. Some things are stronger than the blood and I now know this to be true. Love of T has proven it.

My time, my life, belong to T now but I must give Lavi these next few minutes. She helped bring T home and I owe her that much at least. Let’s hope the price is not too high.