Behind The Mirror

So far so good. I have decided that limiting contact with Lavi to public places and only when others are around is the best thing right now and things have been surprisingly calm. I am not sure whether to be relieved or concerned that this is the calm before the storm but I guess time will tell and I’ll deal with it either way.

I went out to the ranch tonight to see Dusty and Leo and as always it was a welcome respite from the usual events of life. Time seems to stand still out there and the world seems so far away, problems so distant. I know, too, that they will always give it to me straight and I would not have it any other way. Leo has been taken into the Underground now and I have put him in charge of overseeing the holes and the blacklist, given the absence of Rebecca’s clan in the area of late. I meant to tell Lavi this at our meeting the other night but things obviously went a different way.

I did warn them that things have gotten more than a little testy with me and Lavi and as usual, Leo immediately saw straight to the heart of the matter, asking if the issue was wandering hands or unwanted advances. More like old history, a lot of it, and they both sensed it was causing bigger problems. At Dusty’s order to spill it, I told them what happened last night. It was their considered opinion that such disagreements, and the resulting pain they cause, are their own punishments. On one hand I agree – I never ever want to go through such again, but on the other hand I do not know if I can ever really make up for all the pain that uncertainty has caused T.

Leo says he thinks that at times I worry too much about being ‘slick’ and that I need to let that go in favor of being more ‘real’ with T. I try but old habits die hard sometimes. I have spent almost sixty years hiding what I always felt for her, watching and waiting. Don’t give up on me T, I’m getting there….I promise.